


shadows of the mess you made

by ithinkiwannamarvelyou



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Endgame compliant, Gen, just in case u don't know: this fic is sad, not stony just friendship stuff, really sad friendship stuff, sad sad sad fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 06:39:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19762648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ithinkiwannamarvelyou/pseuds/ithinkiwannamarvelyou
Summary: Every time he closes his eyes, he's brought back to the night in Siberia, the way Tony threw his hands up over his head, right before Steve brought the shield down. Sam and Nat are nice enough to ignore the way he wakes up with a jolt, gasping at the memory of his shield slicing into Tony's armor.(5 times steve wanted to call tony + the 1 time he was able to)





	shadows of the mess you made

**Author's Note:**

> this is not really a stony fic, i just enjoy their friendship and was unsatisfied by endgame.  
> however, this fic is endgame compliant

1\. crash 

Four months after leaving Tony in Siberia, and Steve's nightmares haven't stopped. 

When he can't sleep, unused energy making his hands shake, he does push ups until his arms give out. To spend the days, he wrestles with Nat or goes running with Sam in the back alleys near whatever motel they're crashing in– but nothing keeps his mind long enough. 

Every time he closes his eyes, he's brought back to the night in Siberia, the way Tony threw his hands up over his head, right before Steve brought the shield down. Sam and Nat are nice enough to ignore the way he wakes up with a jolt, gasping at the memory of his shield slicing into Tony's armor. 

It doesn't help that he feels trapped. The motels they stay in all have the same foundation to them. After a few months, Steve stops being able to tell where they are. He spends most of his time sitting on his bed, leaning against the headboard, trying to draw New York City's skyline by memory. 

"Guys, I just got news from New York," Natasha says, plopping onto the bed beside Steve. Sam walks over from across the room as Natasha pulls up a video on her phone, and Steve's heart is climbing up his throat. _If something happened, why wouldn't Tony have called him?_

The video is a clip from CNN News, a young woman in a grey suit, grim-faced. Beside her, a Stark Industries logo. 

_"A Stark Industries plane crashed on the coast of Coney Island beach this evening, after it was attacked by a masked man with metal wings. The plane had some very important weapons and tools created by Tony Stark, AKA Iron Man, for the other members of the Avengers team– perhaps even some prototypes created for the Rogue Avengers. Stark Industries made a public announcement just an hour ago, thanking Spider-man for saving the day. They did not respond to questions about the tech that was rescued, or about the identity of the criminal responsible for the crash."_

The clip ends. Nat pulls her phone back. There's something sharp in Steve's throat, making it hard to swallow. 

"Steve," Sam says, soft and low. 

"Don't," Steve snaps. He leaves the motel room before either of them can say another word. 

Sam comes outside to bring him back five minutes later. He sits next to Steve on the steps and waits patiently while Steve wrestles with words. 

"He's still building things for us, even after I…" Steve can't finish the sentence. 

Sam lays his hand on Steve's shoulder. 

"Why don't you call him?" Sam asks, using his specially-measured therapist tone. 

Steve shakes his head. 

"I can’t. I hurt him. If he ever wants to talk to me again, it has to be on his terms," he says. 

They sit for another few minutes, and then Sam pulls himself up slowly. 

"Let's go inside," he says. 

Steve follows. 

That night, he dreams that he's on the plane with Tony as it crashes. Tony hangs from the wing, refusing to grab onto Steve's hand.

  
2\. concussion 

When they first went on the run, Steve would spend every other night with his thumb hovering over the call button, Tony's number staring up at him. Almost a year in, he's less conscious of it. The phone sits in the bottom his bag– though he still has the ringer on, just in case. 

The nightmares come less often. Steve has effectively filled his mind with other topics to worry about. Namely, the fact that Sam and Nat are much more fragile than he is. Sometimes he can forget that not everyone is as strong, as unaffected as him. Each time he forgets, the world reminds him. 

They are in Germany, in a small town outside of Berlin, trying to get information on some weapons built using old Chitauri tech. Natasha offers to go in undercover to talk to the head of the ring. Steve wants to go in himself, but Natasha speaks better German. 

Things go wrong before Steve can even realize what's happening. By the time he can get to Natasha, she's on the floor. Turns out they had seen her face on the news, talking about how she had broken the Sokovia Accords. 

"I guess I'm not a great spy anymore," she slurs, with half a smile. Steve holds a rag against her head, soaking up the blood. He can't figure out what to say, other than _I'm sorry._

Once they make it back to the hotel, it's clear that Natasha has a concussion and can't sleep through the night. 

"Someone needs to wake her up every hour and check in," Sam says. 

"I'll do it," Steve says. Sam and Nat both protest. 

"We can take turns," Sam says. 

"I'll be fine just sleeping it off," Nat argues.

"No," Steve says. "This is my fault, I will handle it. Sam, you can barely stand without swaying." 

"Stop torturing yourself," Sam says, but hobbles to his own bed after Steve stares long enough. 

Steve sits in a chair beside Natasha's bed and crosses his arms. 

Between hours four and five, he nods off. He's ten years old again, playing kickball in a dirt field with Bucky and a few other kids their age. The kids are slamming their hands against the fence as he's preparing to kick, singing some song he never learned the words to– 

And then he's in the Hydra base in Siberia and Tony is in his face, staring at him with a tortured expression. 

_"Don't bullshit me, Rogers. Did you know?"_

And Steve says _yes_ , and Tony flinches, pushing away from Steve, his eyes dark and glossy– 

Steve's head jerks and he falls forward, catching himself before falling off of the chair. It takes him a minute to remember where he is. He moves to nudge Nat, his heart dropping to his stomach when she doesn't stir. 

"Nat," he whispers, mindful of Sam, sleeping across the room. "Nat, get up." 

She doesn't move. He checks her pulse, relieved only slightly when it thumps under his fingers. _A heartbeat doesn't mean she's fine_ , he thinks, and suddenly it's hard to breathe. It feels all too similar to Siberia, to seeing Tony's black eye and thinking _I did that._

_What would Tony say if he knew I was the reason Nat was gone?_

He grabs his bag from beside his bed and digs through it until he finds the phone. It feels small in his hand. 

"Steve." 

He looks up to see Natasha pushing herself up against the headboard. 

"Take it easy," he says, and she rolls her eyes. 

"Not my first concussion, Rogers." 

She eyes the phone, still clutched in his hand. 

"You plannin' on calling someone?" 

The guilt flows through him so suddenly, it's like his lungs get filled with water. 

"If Tony finds out I got you killed–" 

"Steve, I'm _fine_." 

"You weren't waking up," he says softly. 

Natasha hesitates, then reaches out and tugs on his arm. She pulls him until he is lying in the bed next to her, and then leans her head against his shoulder. 

"I'm _tired_. It's four A.M. and you keep prodding me," she says teasingly. When Steve doesn't respond right away, she nudges him.

"I've had concussions before. I'll be okay." 

Steve exhales. He tosses the burner phone onto the bedside table and closes his eyes. 

  
  
3\. missing 

Steve starts carrying the phone on him just a few weeks before Tony goes missing. After almost losing it when they had to run without much time to plan, he decides to keep it closer, just to be safe. When it rings for the first time, he almost misses the call, too shocked to do anything but stare at the screen. When he does finally pick it up, Bruce's frantic voice is disappointing– and that's before Steve registers the words _Thanos_ and _Attack_ and _Tony's gone._

Steve and the others find Vision and Wanda and fly to the compound, and while it is nice to be able to smile at his old friends, there is a glaring hole that keeps reminding Steve of what they already might have lost. 

In the quinjet to Wakanda, he paces in circles. The burner phone is still in his pocket. He's waiting for another call even though he knows it's impossible. Rhodey already tried to connect to Tony's suit– it's just a waiting game. 

He can feel multiple pairs of eyes following him. After his fourth time around he forces himself to sit on the bench. Bruce told him that Tony was about to call him, but then the ship landed and everything sort of exploded. Steve’s guilt feels like it’s been multiplied– what was once a paperweight is now a crushing boulder. 

He holds his face in his hands. All he can think of is the _what ifs_ : What if he had been in New York with Tony when the ship had landed? What if he had fought by his side, kept Tony from going up to the ship? What if he had called before, tried to make amends? 

Natasha walks over to sit on his right. For awhile they just lean against each other, while Sam argues with Rhodes about something unnecessary, and Vision and Wanda sit close together on the other side to ship, talking quietly. 

"He isn't dead," Nat says to him. "He went onto the ship to continue to fight." 

"Are you telling me that, or telling yourself?" Steve responds. Nat, quiet, just leans her head on his shoulder for a second, before getting up and walking to the front of the jet. Steve wants to apologize as soon as she leaves. Instead, he touches his phone, tucked away in a pouch on his belt, and keeps on hoping. 

  
4\. lost 

After the snap, Steve doesn’t allow himself time to grieve. In his eyes, the fight isn’t over. Thanos is alive somewhere, and he’s going to find him and make him pay. He is only surviving on anger and spite, and the food that Natasha forces him to get down. 

The first week is full of promise. Carol Danvers appears and introduces herself, and Steve sees Tony in her confident quips, the way she holds herself. They find Thanos and it seems like they have enough power between them to avenge who they lost– 

and then it doesn’t work. Thanos is gone, but no one can come back. Steve is once again breathless with grief as it comes back tenfold. When he can actually sleep, he sees the faces of everyone he lost. One night, he is back on the field in Wakanda, and instead of Thor coming down in a beam of light, it’s Tony. 

“Did you miss me?” he quips, and Steve’s chest just about cracks open. Things feel okay, like they could win. But then the dream melts away, and Steve watches Tony turn to ash, his eyes that same dark color, glossy with betrayal. 

Steve wakes up with a sob stuck in his throat. His fingers itch for the phone, to be able to call Tony and apologize over and over and over and over– 

The door to his room opens. Natasha stands in the doorway, drowning in a large AC/DC shirt. They don’t have to say anything to each other before Natasha is running over to sit with him. 

"I told him if we lost, that we would do it together. And then I broke his suit and left him alone,” Steve chokes. “If we had been there–“

“We don’t know,” Natasha said, pulling him into a hug. “We don’t know.” 

Steve isn't sure if she meant they didn’t know that they would’ve won together, or if Tony was actually dead. Either way, nothing feels better. 

  
5\. morgan 

The first year seems to stretch on forever. Steve doesn't remember much of his days. Some days he wakes up so heavy, he can't lift a finger. Other times, he is the one that tends to Natasha when she can't move. They become even more of a team than before, holding on to each other. 

Natasha starts sending emails. It's never anything big or life changing– they had killed Thanos, there was no other big bad to fight. Any small fight is taken care of by Rhodes, Carol, Okoye, or Rocket, all depending on where it's happening in the universe. Natasha stays at the compound and makes sure the information is sent to everyone, even people who are out of the superhero business. 

Steve looks forward to the news. At first, reading about the life they now lived– admitting that they had lost– was almost unbearable. Steve spent a lot of time trying to ignore the truth of the situation. After a while, however, nice things happen. People rebuild. Steve reminds himself that there is still good in the world, and Natasha's emails always remind him of that truth. 

Steve wakes up one morning to an email waiting for him. 

_from: Nat_

_FWD:_ _pepperpotts@starkindustries.com_

_subject: she's here !!!!!_

_Morgan Hope Stark_

_6.7 lbs, perfectly healthy!_

_8 images attached_

Steve is crying before he reaches the bottom of the email. 

Once again he is struck with the need to talk to Tony, to hear his voice. He never really apologized, when Danvers brought Tony back to Earth and he chewed him out for everything. Which Steve deserved– he had almost been wishing for it, ever since he left Siberia. Seeing Tony so skinny and small, so tired, made Steve realize how delicate humans were, how easily they could fall apart. After so many years of healing from any wound, his pain doesn't ache the same way. And yet, Tony slamming his nanotech container into his hand hurt more than any physical blow. Maybe because, deep down, Steve knew he deserved it. 

Rhodes stops by often, bringing news and pictures of Morgan, how she's growing. It's the one shimmer of hope Steve has experienced, even in dreams. Each time he sees her sly smirk, so similar to Tony's own, he almost gets into his car to drive over. The thing that stops him is the thing that always has. 

+1. ghosts 

Steve is halfway back to Stark Tower when he remembers that Tony is still alive in 2012. He’s so caught up trying to figure out how to put the mind stone back without anyone noticing, he forgets where he is. It doesn't seem likely that the number he has in his phone would be the same one Tony would have in 2012, but Steve tries it anyway, maybe just to soothe his breaking heart. Tony picks up on the second ring. 

“Hello?” and it's like when he first found out Bucky was still alive– hearing a voice after knowing, thinking, believing that person is dead. Just as before, Steve is frozen. 

“Tony, it’s Steve,” he says after a pause that goes on too long. 

“Cap. Didn’t think you knew how to use a phone. Something wrong?” 

He has no plan, no idea what he was going to say. The silence stretches out, only broken by Steve's uneven breaths. 

“Rogers?” Tony asks. 

“Nothing’s wrong,” Steve manages to say. “I just wanted…” 

_I just wanted to say I’m sorry._

_I'm sorry I never called, all those times that I wanted to._

_I’m sorry I didn’t take the gauntlet in my own hands._

Steve thinks back to 2012– the first time he met Tony, the fight that they had. 

“I wanted to apologize for everything I said on the helicarrier, about you not being the hero type. You’re a good man, Tony.” 

Tony coughs, sniffles slightly, and then laughs.

“Are you sure Loki’s scepter didn’t get you? You seem a little weird,” Tony says, and Steve feels like screaming, because Tony thinks it’s weird that Steve is being _nice_ to him. Steve wants to apologize for everything that hasn’t even happened yet. 

“I wasn’t– I’m fine. I just thought you should know. You’re just as much of a hero as any of us.” 

“Don’t speak so soon. I’m throwing a party tonight at the Tower– whatever’s left of it, anyway. I’ll give you until the end of the night to revoke your compliments,” Tony says. 

And Steve could almost laugh, because this was Tony all those years ago, always deflecting. After the funeral Pepper had told him about the trauma Tony had dealt with after his time in the wormhole, how he never wanted to admit how scared he had been. Steve had never once tried to talk to him about it, even though he knew what it was like to open your eyes after closing them for what you thought was the last time. 

“It’s not about how I feel,” Steve says through the lump in his throat. “It’s just the truth.” 

There is a pause long enough to make Steve think Tony hung up the phone. 

“Thank you, Steve,” Tony says, and his voice is almost gentle. 

Steve’s eyes burn. 

“It’s nothing,” he says. 

Then, Tony clears his throat. 

“I’m going to blame this conversation on leftover adrenaline and shock, and hang up before it gets weirder. See you tonight. Wear something… less patriotic.” 

The dial tone sounds. Steve smiles, just slightly.

**Author's Note:**

> this one is really sad and short. i just really miss both steve and tony and wish that endgame had a different ending. title is from “mykonos” by fleet foxes. 
> 
> thanks for reading!


End file.
